This is almost sure to be long so bear with me please, I have all these thoughts bouncing around in my head and I'm just going to start emptying them into this post.....

It's official, as of 12:13 a.m., Phoenix is officially 1 year old. I can't believe that it's been a year. This time last year I was laying on a gurny trying to force myself out of my groggy state so they would take me to hold my baby boy. I don't remember holding him for the first time because I was so groggy and doped up but we have a video of me crying and kissing him and telling him I would be the best mommy ever.

I've thought a lot about what I could give him for his first birthday that would be meaningful since he doesn't really know what's going on yet, and I finally figured it out tonight. I can give him the gift of time. More to the point, my time. And I also want to give him the gift of a mentally healthy and well rounded mother (psychologically, not physically on the well rounded part )

For the last year, this message board (and another one before this one) got me through a lot of long, lonely nights and I've made some great internet friends along the way. But, I can't help but realize that it has taken away from other areas of my life, most importantly my son but also IRL friends and family.

I had a friend stop by this evening to give Phoenix a gift because she will be out of town for his birthday tomorrow (or I guess technically today). She gave me a BIG reality check when she asked why I never come out to visit any of our group of friends anymore and I told her that I was just chillin at home with Phoenix a lot. She said, "Well, you need adult interaction", and I, of course, told her that I receive it here.

The gist of what she said was, "Tammi, if you're at home chillin with Phoenix, what the h--- are you doing on the internet? And are you saying your friends have been replaced with a message board? I know people can make friends on the internet but how many of them know you or love you? " Let me just say, there are a few people on here that I truly do care very much about and consider actual friends regardless of how we met, but I understood what she meant.

A few hours later, I was on here again just reading and typing away and I suddenly realized how lonely I really am. I think she helped to finally kick me out of my rut because I miss face to face interaction with friends who I've shared such a huge chunk of my life and know and appreciate every detail of what makes me, well, me. The good and the bad. And I've been avoiding them because I've been depressed and have felt bad about myself (not to mention, most don't have kids so it makes it hard). I know I've hurt friends and made them feel rejected by avoiding them but they will all be at Phoenix's birthday party tomorrow and it's time that I reconnect, not just with them, but with the world at large.

But, most of all, I don't want to ever feel that I neglected my son (or even my housework) for something that wasn't making me a better person and I don't think that logging on to the computer every hour just to see what interesting thing someone might have said and I might be missing is doing it.

Bottom line, I believe I've become an internet junkie and it's kind of made it easy for me to hide from real life. I've never been a message board type of person in the past (you guys made it easy to like it here though!). In fact, I've never really been an internet person before now. But I've always had an addictive personality so I guess I should've seen it coming. It has been really scary becoming a new mom, leaving my career and losing so much financial stability and so many of you offered advice, RAOKs, a sympathetic ear or a chuckle at times when I needed it the most and I will always be thankful for that.

Now, it's a year later and I'm starting to wake up and feel a little like myself again but being in a public forum like this, you have to censor so much of yourself for different reasons (i.e. identity issues, codes of conduct, etc.) But when you're with your friends, you can be exactly who you are and let your freak flag fly! I have to do what's right for me, my family and my friends and, right now, that's logging off of here completely for a while and indefinitely. I'll come back to say hello and check out some great deals when I shake this addictive NEED to come back KWIM?

In the meantime, as I said before, I really have established some real friendships on here and I value and want to continue them. In fact, those friends are probably the only ones still reading this by now. So you can email me at my spam email (because I don't want to post my main one in a public forum) sciencegrrll@yahoo.com and I'll send you my private email & my phone #.

Thanks again for all the laughs and great information both personal and financial. I wanted to post this instead of just dropping off the face of the earth and you guys thinking I died or something when someone notices I'm gone in a month or so. I hope I said everything right and didn't imply that I think people on message boards are unhealthy or anything. Because I don't think that. I just think, like with everything in life, it depends on the person. But, if you find yourself, like me, ever neglecting your laundry or letting your son play alone for an extra 15 minutes even though you know you should be playing with him, then I hope you'll be more aware of it too because these times are so precious and, although I have spent countless wonderful hours with Phoenix, I also wasted quite a few as well.

This message board is full of a lot of amazing ladies and a few pretty nifty guys too. I'll be back eventually to say hello and chat, but I will be in a much healthier place when I do.

Tammi

If you miss me, go here.

I read the whole thing, . And I too have a very addictive personality. So I know where your coming from. I'm going miss seeing you around everyday!

Tammi, you will be missed but you have one of the best reasons for "leaving". Children are only small for a time and they grow *so* quickly. Happy birthday to Phoenix!

I love the way you put that. I know *exactly* EXACTLY exactly what you're saying.

Wishing you the best of health and happiness and I can't wait until you come back and tell us how you've succeeded.



Happy Birthday Phoenix!

Good luck, I hope that changing things will make you feel better about yourself and your life in general.

Enjoy your time with your son and what you feel you need to to for you and your family!! I hope yoiu pop back in from time to time though you'll be missed!

Lukas and Ella are my

Happy Birthday Phoenix!!!

Co-Forum Leader for the Welcome Center and Squeeze Back

I completely understand. I am getting ready (struggling) in the next 2 weeks to send my "baby" to college several hours away from home.. I am really regretting that I worked so much to pay for "things" and am now wanting more time with her.. Your son will be so blessed by your time... Best of luck.

Totally understand. I'vw cut WAY back for the same reasons.

As I sit here reading this when I'm *supposed* to be getting ready for work, I TOTALLY understand! I will miss you a lot but I think your real life friends deserve to have you back; I'm sure they've missed you and your "freak flag."

Be well!

America will not become great again until her citizens realize that social responsibility requires more than simply making a tax deductible donation to the charity of their choice.