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Old 01-04-2013, 04:30 PM
jprncess jprncess is offline
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Default Ready to kick him out of the nest...

Ok, I am looking for some advice about a pretty decent 20 year old that is on my last nerve. He is my oldest of 4 and he thinks he knows it all. I know that they all do at that age, but oh my goodness he is setting me off right now.
He attends college full time and he works part time. He has worked since he was 15, but at this job since he was a little past 16. So he is good there. He is in his second year of college at a branch but will be moving on to main campus, 2 hours away, in the fall. The thing that gets me is that he is lazy during this break and offers to contribute nothing. I am still tied into his back account, which you'd think after the lectures I give him about money he'd want to change it, but then he's get a new account and everything and doesn't want to do that.
So, the UPS man came today and I saw his name on the box and was like what is this? He's like it's a keyboard. I just turned and walked away. So I decide to take a look at his bank account, in the month of December he spent $480 on junk (my terms). There is what I assume is candy from gas stations, $2 here and $5 there, along with fast food, itunes games, xbox subscriptions. Now, mind you that doesn't include the money that he has spent on gas, his cell phone bill, or the things he bought for others for Christmas.
I have tried to explain to him that he is going to have a rude awakening when he moves out, because no one ever cautioned me about money when I was his age and I screwed myself in a big way.
I calculated what it would cost if I divided the household bills by the 6 that live here, plus his car insurance (which I have paid up until now), and his cell phone bill, & he wanted a Macbook pro and said he'd pay his college money back for that in order to replace it by fall when he would need it. It came to about $400, which I also told him that he needed to start buying his own groceries.
He thinks I am being mean and being a bully, saying that he works and goes to school and that he folds the laundry! Now I don't think I am being a bully of course and I told him that he had promised that after buying Christmas he would be saving his money for the fall and that if he wasn't I would do it for him by charging him to live here. Which when I was his age I paid bills while I lived with my parents and didn't get a cent back at all!!!
I also told him that I thought that he was selfish that he didn't offer to pay anything towards the things that he uses. For example, I just bought a new router because the old one was 7 years & kept cutting out signal when the cable company replaced our modem. I could get signal ok in the living room, but he wasn't getting it in the basement where his room is anymore. I told him if you had $90 to buy a keyboard why wouldn't you buy a router then? I buy all the paper and ink that prints his papers for school. He was told to check the oil in his car the other day by my husband and he hasn't. He doesn't let his car warm up he just gets in and goes, also disregarding the advice given to him by my husband.
My husband and I aren't currently getting along right now either and so he said that he'd talk to him to smooth things over because he isn't really on my "side" right now. When my 13 year old called me a jerk last night and I smacked his mouth, the 20 year old said that was another example of being a bully. Because I shouldn't be offended by that (uh, I hope I never meet his Philosophy teacher who told him all this!!!) I told him that until he was a parent he couldn't make a judgement like that, and that if it is something that he wouldn't call his teachers he'd better not treat me that way, I'm the one that shelters and feeds him and I deserve the same plus more for that alone. I also hate when the word bully is overused in a situation like that it makes it petty when it is a serious issue in today's world.
I feel I have done great in parenting, he doesn't have sex, smoke, do drugs, drink, has had a steady job, got a scholarship, commutes 30 miles to school regularly, but money is the things that he just doesn't get, and to be honest it makes me mad that my husband, kids, and I all give everything up while he lives the carefree life. I couldn't tell you the last time that my husband and I went out to dinner alone. I would love to be able to buy a game online on a whim anytime I wanted. I would love for my laundry to be washed for me and all I had to do was fold it, after being reminded!
Am I making a big deal about it? Any other ideas? I am just afraid without money management all of the work he has done is going to go out the door because if he has no money he can't move and if he doesn't move there he can't get his degree because 2 years is as far as he can go here.
Even if you don't have advice, thanks for reading all the way to the end!!!
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Old 01-04-2013, 04:35 PM
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robomel robomel is offline
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sorry to say ~ but if on one hand you tell him to do his own laundry, buy food etc. then you do it anyway, which do you think he'll choose?

if you want him to do it then you have to STOP doing it for him. your enabling him, he knows it, and doesn't mind at all

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Old 01-04-2013, 04:43 PM
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I read it all til the end. I think its normal for this to start happening. It happened to me, and my friends. I got tough. They got tough. $400 a month disappearing on junk is too much. I would ask for a contribution towards household expended immediately and make sure he pays. I would also expect help around the house apart from folding clothes. My son didn't like it but when he did get around and to leaving he had the shock of his life about how much everything costs. He wasn't able to just waste $$$ a month on
silly stuff. Its called the hard part of parenting.....lol

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Old 01-04-2013, 04:52 PM
more4us3 more4us3 is offline
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Well, OP, I'm not happy to tell you to join the crowd! My son is all of the above but money absolutely burns a hole in his pocket!! He left today to be a new sailor in the US Navy,and I can't be mad over the "junk" I have found that is wasted money. Its very frustrating, unfortunately it comes with the age I've been told.
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Old 01-04-2013, 05:06 PM
amwhye amwhye is offline
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I'm just writing this from the point of view of someone who is younger (I'm 25). He really has no reason to be responsible because someone always takes care of things for him when he's in a bind. I have just begun to learn the value of money in the past three years or so. Until he's on his own he'll have no idea. What about having him pay for things around the house, say $300 a month in "rent". Use half as you need to and save the other half for him. When he moves out and some expense comes up that he can't handle you have the money for it (from the $150 you saved every month) at this point when you tell him this is the money you've saved from his rent, maybe he will start to realize the importance of saving money.
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Old 01-04-2013, 05:35 PM
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I have a 20 year old that is driving me crazy too. He is really good at work and paying his bills and is starting college. But when it come to anything concerning the household he is LAZY. I still have to tell him how and when to do the simplest tasks. He is very selfish and ungrateful. We have the same argument every week about him not helping around the house. I am to the point of wanting to kick him out. I feel your pain.
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Old 01-04-2013, 05:44 PM
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My only words are that he will probably HAVE to fall before he realizes how good he has it! All kids that age need to make some type of contribution at home. He has a full plate with school and work, BUT he also has time to buy junk, play games and so on ... so he has time to contribute to the house, whether it be financially or through work around the house and/or staying with the other kids, cooking them dinner, bathing and getting them to bed so that you and hubby can have a night away to enjoy! Just my opinion, not an easy battle ... good luck!
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Old 01-04-2013, 07:26 PM
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Just remember, when he is all grown up and married with children of his own you will look back on this and laugh. He will have children who do not pay attention to advice and drive him crazy. Seriously though he will fail and learn, just try not to say I told you so when he comes for help.
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Old 01-04-2013, 08:31 PM
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I spoke to my husband tonight when he got home and he is on board with the idea that I have, about holding the money back and then showing him what "real life" will be like in 7 months. I guess I had hoped he would realize it on his own and save on his own like he had said. My husband also said that he wanted his work and school schedule schedule so that on days that he has nothing he can leave a list of things that need to be done.
I mean I completely understood being lazy the first few days after school ended and the same way with relaxing through ON the holidays, not the entire month. I mean there are still 10 days before school starts and I told him that his payments were going to be due starting February 1st and that it needed to be $200 every pay since he is paid bi-weekly.
My husband did say that he wanted to see Chase watch the kids at least once a month for us to go out. We get free movies whenever we want, but never get to go because there is no one to watch the other kids, who are 13, 12, &12, so not difficult by any means!
Thank you everyone.
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Old 01-04-2013, 09:11 PM
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WHOA!! Hes going to college and working???? I think that as parents we forget what is was like to be 20. Young and dumb. I think as parents we also forget they are adults. Young inexperienced ones at that. Adults always or should always contribute to their upkeep. He should have his own car insurance policy. Independent as he should be. He should help around the house when he off from school. Special projects would be helpful to guide him. As far as the treatment of his car or lack there of....consequences dont bail him out went he blows the engine. I would put the money thats hes paying you in an special acct and give it back when he graduates. Would be great for a down payment on a house or contribute to a big purchase.. or as we know as parents..The best way to look at this situation is the same as having a roommate. Roommates have their own computers, printers, paper, ink. They have their own laundry detergent, shampoo, toothpaste any and all personal care products. They also buy their own food. Pay for part of the utilities and such. Roommates have to vacuum, clean and do chores. Unless hes interested in paying a younger sib to do it. Id say you have done an excellent job raising this child...its just now time for him to fall on his face as we all have had to do. Being an adult sucks. keep your lectures to a minimum..and just know he will figure it out. Good Luck
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